Running in Anger

For a brief moment this morning, when the alarm went at 8 am, I thought, if I get up now and do my running, it'll be OK. It's the only time I have.

Then I went back to sleep, woke up late again, and the cat bit my foot. I'm just saying, it's one way of getting out of bed on the wrong side. Thing was, today was one of my ludicrously busy days. I had pilates at lunch time, and a theatre workshop from 7:30. And I kind of agreed to meet Keith between work and the workshop. So I was gearing up for a night-time run, and in addition to that, while the cat was attacking my toes, the weather forecaster was announcing that the day was going to get progressively wetter. Plus, I was so tired on waking, I seriously doubted whether I was going to able to run late in the day. I never for a moment contemplated lying about it, but for the first time, I did start to wonder seriously if I was going to be able to do it. I contemplated going for the run before pilates. It would make my lunch break considerably longer than an hour, but I already have the flexi this week, and by Friday, when I have to travel to Southampton, I'll have even more.

But I just had one of those mornings when the phone was red-hot. Sometimes it doesn't ring for days on end, and other times, it doesn't stop. Just when I was thinking of making a break for it, the phone rang. I don't like to speak ill of people who aren't dead (yet) so I'll leave it that the person I spoke to upset me so much that as I put the phone in its cradle, I uttered a profanity, but I was so upset, I did it quite quietly because I didn't want to draw attention to my being upset. It didn't appease my upset-ness, so I tried the time-honoured tradition of retreating to the ladies. That also didn't work (actually it never does), so I had to go to Tesco and buy a bar of Green & Black's almond milk chocolate (and a sandwich for later). EVEN THAT didn't cheer me up. I now had a difficult choice. As I left the building, I had an urge to run. I've never really felt like that before, I know I've had sparkles where I might have enjoyed fleeting moments of running. This was more like a primeval need. Not to run away, although it might have been partly that. Just to run, as hard as I could. Possibly the part of my brain that despised the fact that I didn't want to come back stopped me. Because there was pilates, and that always calms and cheers me up.

I figured I'd probably cheer up quite soon, because I love pilates, and also, I psychologically tend to leave work issues outside. Work didn't want to be left outside. I had arrived late (on account of the chocolate) but this isn't noteworthy for pilates (largely because my phone appears to be programmed to mainly ring on Wednesdays at 12:25) so no one commented and I was relieved to be at the back of the class. But I couldn't calm down. I had snot up my nose and tears streamed down my face. I couldn't really figure it out, because it hadn't been that unpleasant a conversation. Yes, it's an intractable problem that I've been grappling with for months (if not longer), and yes, the person I spoke to may have used an unnecessary tone of voice, but it's only work, and it was only words. And I'd DONE the storming out of the building bit already. Surely it was time to calm down?

There's three reasons to be upset: (1) someone has cast aspersions on my professional ability (2) I've got PMT or (3) I'm just about to get really ill. This is true. When I was a teenager, this happened time without number. Someone would say something trifflingly unimportant, which would upset me, but rather than letting it pass, I would become inconsolable, overcome with tears; within hours, I'd be in bed with tonsillitis. Now, as luck would have it, I had my tonsils out when I was 18, and haven't had it since then, but the illness thing could still stand. It was worth bearing in mind, if only because it might make me feel better. It didn't. The only thing that briefly abated my flow was when Anita gave us a challenging exercise, and I took the hardest level, every time. And can I just say, my back is really sore now.

Every time I thought it might be passing, I'd suddenly get a fear that someone in the class was going to say "Emma's very quiet today" (because in truth, it's the only session I've ever attended where I haven't spoken). I knew Anita wouldn't, because she could see me, and I knew she'd clocked that I was upset. And the thought of explaining my tears would start them off again. Stupid, but there it is. Well, no one did notice, but I had decided that if pilates couldn't stop me crying, I might as well go home, because I wasn't going to get anything done.

I got through the class without being rumbled, but wasn't able to get my mat put away without notice. Moustachioed Chris noticed, but didn't make a big fuss, he just asked if I was OK, quite quietly. Occasionally, people sense that you're in safe hands, and don't overdo it, and that happened today. Another colleague, Sue, came over, and she was able to help quite a bit with my intractable problem, also closely identifying with my "overworked" feel. Then Chris said, "Come on, come for a walk, you need some fresh air". I told him that I'd considered going for a run before pilates. "Let me see if I've got my stuff, I'll come with you," he volunteered immediately. I asked him if he'd already done his 5k today, suspecting that he was willing to go twice, but he said "Actually, no, I haven't. I was going to do it tonight" - which made me feel a bit better. He found out that he didn't have a t-shirt, but bizarrely I had a spare one, which wasn't fitted, although (ick - sorry Chris) was worn. Literally - I was wearing it. (The other one, which was tight-fitting, was also worn, having been left in my bag from running yesterday, so even if he had fitted it, it would have been worse than my pilates t shirt, because that, at least, is somewhat less physical than running). It may have not been what we'd have chosen, but needs must when the Devil drives. Anyway, I thought Chris looked very fetching in my t shirt, it cheered me up almost immediately.

We did the Fengate run, which is just over 2.5 miles, so we added a short tail on by doing a stretch further along the river (towards the sewage) and doubling back. We didn't actually do angry running - perhaps I'd taken the edge off by doing angry pilates; or perhaps it's what would have happened if Chris hadn't come with me. It's quite possible that if Chris hadn't come with me, I'd have kept right on going and done the millennium bridge run, which is 8 miles. Instead, we almost immediately fell into an easy rythm, with some easy banter, which cleared everything out of my head right away. It's not to say that there wasn't banter in pilates - there was, but I couldn't engage in it, my thoughts were too in the way. But now I could, and it was perfect. Then Chris suddenly said "This is the first 5k of the month I've done with a friend!" - and I realised that was the same for me too! It was very good to have someone to run with again. (Although it almost set me off again).

Oh, and can I just say, the river was much lower today, but that flooded pathway bit was still flooded. I told Chris that I wasn't willing to go through it as my trainers would take days to dry out, and he said "Oh, it's OK, we can just go up through the car park and down the other side". I felt really rather special for not figuring that out myself the other day...

Every time I've got to the end of a run by myself, I do my sprint finish by visualising running Dave or moustachioed Chris. It used to be just Dave who spurred me on, until I mentioned once to Chris that he should embrace this role, and I have to confess, he put more into it than Dave, who says "Come on then", and leads by example. So I often think of this with a grim smile as I finish. It appears that Chris had not forgotten this role either. He checked I was still up for a sprint finish, and true-to-form he started straight away "Come on, Come on, use those arms, faster, you can do better than that, Come on - surely you can beat me, you've got longer legs, use them, come on... [and then] That's it, nearly there, just a bit further, come on... You're slowing down... Speed up, that's it!"

I'd like to say that this put me right, and I just got on with work - and that's almost what happened. I did get some actual work done, and I don't believe that this would have happened without my 5k today. But the bonus was, this meant I could go ahead and get on with my evening, safe in the knowledge that I'd banked that run already. The glass of wine I had with Keith was a life saver, purely medicinal. And by the time I'd finished the workshop, I was ready to drop. So not having a run to do was extra good.